by Pat Twist

In a stunning show of solidarity the giant transforming robots known as the Autobots walked off the set of Transformers 3 today, halting production on the latest film in the series until their demands are met.

Autobots union leader Optimus Prime issued their official statement at the rally this morning: “We can not stand to have our reputations dragged through the mud any longer. We are demanding script changes and more exciting action scenes. Until these requests are met, no Autobots will appear on the set of Transformers 3.”

Afterward, Prime went into further detail. “Transformers 2 was a terrible movie, we understand that, and we are partly to blame. But everything we are experiencing on the set of the new film confirms our fears that number 3 is going to be even worse. However, if we work together, we know it can be saved.”

Prime continued, “The solutions are pretty simple. Our first request is a good script. Do the characters really have to say the word “pussy” so much? And two, get someone in to handle the action scenes. Micheal Bay’s direction is fine for the parts of the movie that require those certain subtle nuances from the human characters, but he can’t direct action scenes to save his life. We believe that robots engaged in battle should be exciting to watch. We KNOW that robots fighting can be filmed well. Iron Man 1 and 2 proved that.”

When asked for comment, Iron Man director Jon Favreau responded. “Hey, I directed Elf. I didn’t know the first thing about directing action scenes, much less ones specifically designed for fighting robots. I still don’t. Point the camera at the fighting robots and roll. What’s to get? It’s really not hard.”

Some industry critics have suggested that once it was made official the human actress Megan Fox would not be appearing in the third film, the robots decided they’d had enough. Autobot Ironhide had this to say: “I can put up with a bad script and terrible direction if it means I get to hang around the set with Megan Fox all day. Any giant transforming robot will tell you, that chick is smoking hot.”

While human actor Shia LeBeouf had made public comments about his disappointment with Transformers 2 in the past, his rep released the following statement this afternoon. “Shia is very happy and will continue to show up on the set of the third Transformers film for all required shooting. In an unrelated matter, however, he would like to apologize for trashing Indiana Jones 4.”

Not surprisingly, out of work Autobot Jazz spoke out against his former robot friends. “Yo yo, Optimus and his crew is crazy. This strike they’re on is mad stupid. They don’t know how good they got it, son. There ain’t a lot roles out there for giant transforming robots. I wasn’t even asked to be in Part 2. They should consider their robot asses lucky. Bay and Spielberg be putting gas in their tanks, for real. I’d take the role of any one of characters in Transformers 3 in a heartbeep. I got 4 Mini Coopers at home to feed.”

Paramount and DreamWorks hope to reach an agreement with the Autobots by the end of the week. If not, says the studio, it may be forced to take drastic measures. “We will complete production on Transformers 3, “ Executive Producer Steven Spielberg says. “With or without the Autobots. Shit, if I need to go and hire the GoBots in their place, so be it. The audience really isn’t going to know the difference anyway. It will still make a billion dollars, easy.”